On Unity, Energy, Diverging and Emerging Paths

Dear Amy,

I think it is time to look at oneness in Christ.  Clearly there are ways that the people of God are not of one mind, but it is the hope Christ prayed just before Gethsemane:  That we will be one!   (John 17)

After all, as time goes by, Christian denominations are increasingly dividing (including Lutherans) rather than showing that they are being drawn into Oneness.  On the other hand, there are those situations where oneness of heart and mind eclipse any differences.  Those situations tend to be when we are in touch with suffering and death:  the Cross.  When we stay there and open ourselves to the inbreaking of God’s power for resurrection, we move forward in oneness.  

Perhaps that helps to put words around the energy that is underlying this offering of Ventures Unknown.  

What are your thoughts?  

P
Dear Pamela,

When I was a child there was a trail that we used to walk on weekends that led to “BIg Lion’s Falls.”  There are points on the path where one trail goes up and another goes down but then they converge once more on the main path.  It just takes a bit of walking to catch up with one another as we would go our separate ways.  The goal was still the same, the end point was in common, but there were decisions to be made along the way.  For us as children the criteria of the choice had to do with “adventure” rather than any sort of principle, but it was a decision nonetheless.

We have talked at length over the years about the concept of differentiation of self in Bowen Family Systems Theory.  How do we exist together while being separate entities, separate people with separate identities, values, core beliefs, understandings and self-understandings.  For me, choosing to go another path in terms of “church” has been an ongoing process of discernment as well as differentiation of self.  It has not been fun or easy.  But it has deepened my relationship with the One who formed me and adopted me as his own.  I know this to be true for you as well as you stay the course in your denomination.  We may now have different affiliations which means we go to different meetings with a different set of disciples, but our Oneness is and remains in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Our Oneness exists in the holy catholic and apostolic church rather than in a particular branch of Lutheranism.  Our Oneness is grounded in our love for Jesus and more importantly his love for us.  My understanding of “church” has expanded immensely throughout this process as certain idols have crashed down around my feet.  What I was left with, amidst those shards of stained glass and steeples, was nothing less than my/our Savior.  We are still sisters in Christ, nothing, not even death can alter that relationship.  

a.

I give thanks and praise for that Oneness.  It has moved us toward this untrodden and (so I am told) unheard of path as fellow Lutherans.   In different ways, we have each experienced God’s nudge drawing us together in this shared interest/mission/passion for Spiritual Formation.  
The words “I don’t know where I am going, but I am on my way” keep returning to me.  All I know for sure is that God is leading and supporting in Christ.  

It reminds me of the way hairpin turns work on some of the Forest Trails that I hike.  They wander about with a snake-like configuration.  Often there is another hiker who is at a different point on the trail, just over the rise.  The “other” is visible only when the foliage is down and is accessible only if I “bushwack” across the rise.  

Sometimes oneness in Christ requires that we do some bushwacking, don’t you think? 

 

Image credit: www.blog.definingsportsperformance.org

When the trail is closed...

Trail closed.
Don't cross this boundary. Trespassers beware.
Warning! Keep out!

When I am hiking and reach a "trail closed" sign, I can't help but begin to wonder: Hmmm, why is it closed? It could be because there is, literally, danger ahead. Or it could be because the folks who maintain the trail want to work on it without worrying about possible liability for accidents which may occur. Or it could be because the trail is being allowed to rest from the erosive impact of our footsteps. Or it could be that the trail was once closed and somebody forgot to take down the sign. The list goes on.

The point is, I usually don't just stop and go another way. I go down the trail just a bit to see if the path is truly perilous, or is it merely challenging? More often than not, I am able to continue on the path, appreciating the caution, without needing to terminate my trek.

I think this applies to what we learn about identifying and attending to boundaries, rules and social "regulations".

As we are formed for ministry, it is important to pay attention to the establishment of boundaries. Without boundaries we risk spillover of emotion or energy that can be confusing (or in extreme cases, harmful). Still, it is important to be able to relax our boundaries as well. When we are rigid and immovable in what we will or won't do, or where we will or won't go, we may miss some of the amazing and surprising opportunities to which God calls us.

Boundaries help us make sense of ourselves, and enable us to communicate to others clearly who we are and what we are about. Boundaries help to contain our energy, just the way a membrane contains cellular materials.

That leads to thoughts about impermeable and semi-permeable membranes and how we can learn from the way the healthy cell behaves. Impermeable membranes let nothing in, and likewise nothing gets out. Thats a rather closed off sort of cell with no relationships with its neighbors. Most cells are not like this by the way. . . if nothing can get in or out the cell will quickly die. There will be no give and take for the sake of the larger organism. (Manufacturers create impermeable membraned containers to transport liquids- think of milk jugs, plastic carboys for chemicals. These are desirable when one doesn't want flow between two places.)

Semi-permeable membranes, on the other hand, permit a flow of substances such as ions, nutrients and water to go through as long as those substances do not drastically disrupt homeostasis. Sometimes a harmful substance will make it through the membrane; it might even be toxic or dangerous to the cell, but more often than not the cell will right itself by allowing more fluid in to dilute the toxin (think of salt entering a cell and as the salinity becomes too high, more water is allowed to enter to bring the pH back to normal). A cell that is functioning properly and is healthy can maintain homeostasis without much effort, but a cell that is in trouble may be overtaken by toxins which could lead to cellular death. Boundaries keep the cell healthy, but cells have to interact with one another for the sake of the organism of which they are a part, therefore there has to be some flow from one cell to another.

Back to boundaries in relationships, we can allow ourselves to venture near something or someone that might not be overtly healthy but we have to be clear about who we are, what we stand for and so on so that the "toxin" does not overtake us (differentiation of self). We need to know "when to say when."

That's what Pamela is talking about when she discerns why the trail is closed-- is it dangerous? Or is a "proceed with caution" sort of warning more in order?

One thing I have learned: When I choose to head down the closed trail, I make sure that I am equipped for the potential difficulties. Do I have adequate physical energy? Is there enough daylight left? Hiking stick? Water? Take a look at the clouds...rain?

The point is, we need to be wise about how we "are" when we relax our boundaries. Before we enter the riskier areas of relationships we need to take a look at our own fullness of heart and soul as well as our physical and mental health. If our "tank" is full we can go ahead. But if we are running on empty we may do harm to ourselves or to the other.

How do you discern if you are equipped to proceed? What are some of the signs that you are full (or, conversely, on empty?) Only you (and God) can know.

How have you experienced the significance of boundaries? Where have they been helpful? When have you discovered the importance of relaxing a boundary (and discovered the benefit of being "semi-permeable")


Color key: Pamela, Amy

Loneliness on the Journey

Dear Pamela,

You know how we have often talked about the loneliness of this leadership journey? When I think back on the past 15 years with seminary training, internship and now nine years of pastoral leadership, the loneliness has waxed and waned throughout the times.

I didn’t really believe that it would be a lonely vocation when I first heard it said in seminary. How could it be? After all you are surrounded by people! People are in worship, they are serving at church functions, they are calling and talking to you frequently, and there is always activity to be involved in any time you desire it. Even on internship when I had my first experiences of being turned loose in the parish to “do ministry” I still didn’t believe my internship supervisor that this could be a lonely walk. But now after nine years in the parish, even though I am surrounded by people who love me and who show me that love almost constantly, I “get it.” In fact, I got it a long time ago.

So what’s the difference you might ask? I think the difference is about being the one whose job it is to take responsibility for the leading of the mission and ministry. In seminary I had no responsibility for a congregation. Even on internship there was a safety net in place, if I messed up it was probably not going to be me who paid the emotional price (depending how bad a mess up it was perhaps) but the supervising pastor who was in charge. That safety net was for training purposes, of course, and allowed me the freedom to grow and stretch and try new things. But the buck never stopped with me. . . it stopped with him. Period.

This isn’t about “messing up” or “getting it right” either. It’s about leadership and the fact that leading a group of people, any group (a business, a village, a country, a unit of soldiers), requires one to be able to take a clear stand and bear the burden of other’s dissatisfaction when it happens. And it always happens. It is about having enough pain tolerance to tolerate the “pain” that will be thrust upon the leader when anything changes, and I mean anything. It is a lonely place to be where the leader has to make decisions and not vacillate on those decisions based upon every opinion within the church family. It is emotionally strenuous to be a leader and the loneliness becomes more pervasive when we are on the “right track.” Edwin Friedman called it “sabotage” and warned leaders that it would happen if they were being clear about their values, goals and purpose.

I knew that there would be sabotage. I just expected it to look different, more blatant I guess. When it’s an all out attack I can clearly see that as sabotage. When it’s passive aggressive behavior or envious barbs I can eventually discern that as sabotage. But the loneliness. . . now that’s taken me a little while longer to come to terms with. So, my friend, what is your take on this business of loneliness? Any suggestions for one who finds herself wandering in the wilderness on a variety of occasions?

Yours,

Amy

Ah! dear trekker....

I am convinced that leaders of institutions, communities and yes, families and churches, will often be “out there” and alone. It has much to do with our commitment to the truth.

Leaders will speak the truth to the best of their ability. And seeking the truth and then speaking it takes one beyond the spaces and places where folks have built up their own notion of what is “real." Their notions are tinted and toned by human feelings such as hunger, fear, pride, envy, doubt. And somewhere underlying the notions is God’s truth...God’s thoughts....God’s Way.

Our minds can’t conceive of God’s truth. But Christ leads us towards truth and compels us to proclaim it.

The truth may set one free (John 8:31), but freedom doesn’t usually result in being surrounded by attaboys. When one discovers an essential truth about something (ie, “What is really going on here?” ) Truth sets us free from doubt, at least at its onset. Then come the questions: So now what? And then the wonder: Why the resistance?

It seems to me that when we experience the resistance of others, which may be expressed, at first, as apathy, passive aggression, envy or sabotage, our first response needs to be: What can I learn from those who are resisting me? Can their response help to clarify the truth even more?

Think about how truth affects relationships. So often, the most fundamental truth stimulates awkwardness. . . On the lightest note: “You have lettuce stuck between your teeth.” (Or something hanging out of your nose.... chuckle). On a heavier note: “Why do your shirts smell like another woman’s perfume?” Or: “Really? You don’t want to shake hands with our guest because his fingernails are dirty?”

I attended a conference where I heard Richard Rohr speak about true statements. He said that we will often meet resistance when we tell somebody what they most need to hear. This may be equally true with words that challenge as well as words that comfort. Challenging words may stimulate change by exposing pride (ouch!) and comforting words stimulate change by exposing an abiding sense of worthlessness (who..me?).

Yet, if our intention is love for the other, we are granted by God the power to proceed along the path of truth. Our strength lies totally in our utter dependence upon Christ, who walked the lonely path before us and invited us (commissioned us) to follow.

There will be times when we look around and see that we are, in fact, totally alone. If we notice that our “friends” are not with us, we will have our own Gethsemane experience, and weep our tears of loneliness and isolation.

And, there we will be embraced by Christ, saying “I know... I know... I was here too!”

Now, given all of that, what do you think happens when we try to avoid or numb away our pain of loneliness?

Journeying with you...

Pamela

Labor and the birthing process

Dear Pamela,

Did I ever tell you about having both of my babies induced?  When I was pregnant with each of my children I was working and/or going to school in Columbus which was over an hour away from home.  I had visions of going into labor and having a truck-driver on Interstate 71 delivering the baby for me.  Silly, I know. . . hormones will do that to a person!  So at 39 weeks, with both of my children, the doctor induced labor.  It was all planned out, bag packed, no surprises, show up and get started.  We knew the day I would go in, get hooked up to the pitocin and wait.  We didn’t know if they babies were boys or girls but we knew the day they would be born.  

Now, the labor was very real, don’t misunderstand that because it was induced that it wasn’t as painful as waiting for it to happen on its own. Thirteen hours and nine hours respectively of full blown labor was what I experienced.  But, in some ways I regret that I was afraid to wait for labor to occur on its own.  (Actually with our daughter I was in labor and went sled riding to try to get her to “come on out” but she didn’t and so two days later I was induced.)  Both children were full term, full sized, fully healthy. . . but the fact that it was so planned out makes it, in retrospect, kind of sterile and uninspiring.  The end product was still amazing, two beautiful babies, one with pale blonde hair and one with incredible amounts of beautiful black hair, but I often wonder what it might have been like to wait.  Would they have come in the middle of the night on their own accord?  Would we have had to rush to the hospital, racing against time to get there?  We will never know because my hectic seminary schedule (I didn’t want to miss classes) and work schedule (I didn’t want to leave my boss hanging too long without me) dictated (or so I thought) the natural order of things.  

What do you think about this inability to wait for things to happen on their own?  To force events to transpire, perhaps even before they are meant to happen?  I think there must be some correlate to the spiritual life.  

I await your response,

Amy

Dear one, 

The first thing that comes to mind is to say, “you can’t wish for a perfect past.”  I say that (and I am not the first one to say that) to encourage you to look at the past with a gentle, appreciative stance.  How amazing it is that your body (and yes, the living force embodied in those little ones) was able to collaborate with the pitocin to proceed with the natural process of birthing after it was given the nudge of induction.  It is similar to what I have heard about some soaring birds that fledged only after they were “invited”  to leave the nest by the parent’s “push.”   

Ah yes…. God participates in even our impatient moments.  It is true that those times of birthing your children were nudged along by a human desire to take control of timing – but the outcome of your safe labor and delivery of those beautiful babies is still clear manifestation of the mystery of God’s gifts which underlie the miracle of life.  

Moving along to how all of this relates to the birthing of spiritual matters, I know that when we notice stirrings within the heart (or womb) of our interior life, we may be inclined to rush to some conclusion.  We want to know the meaning of the stirring or agitation and figure out some action plan.  

We attempt to guess at what is emerging (with varying degrees of accuracy).  Guessing gives us something to do with our minds, but it may divert our attention from the spiritual formation that is taking place.  In other words, we are running before grace – putting the cart before the horse – fast forwarding.  We may arrive at the “birth” of the new thing God has given, and we may actually get it “right.”  However, we will have missed (as a result of our diversion) what God was doing (and how we were responding) during the process.

To continue the metaphor, it is as if our distraction (our guesses) serve to numb the pain of labor.  The job still gets done, but we have been spared the raw, piercing pain of the experience.  

One might ask, what are the benefits of going “natural” (ie, without numbing) when it comes to birthing new life?  I have some thoughts about that, but rather than fast forwarding to my musings, I leave that question for you to ponder.  

Your midwife, 

Pamela 

PS:  A hint. . .  it has something to do with wisdom.

Sighing for the relief of it

Dear Pamela,

When you are directing a person on the spiritual journey, do you ever have someone who cannot seem to stop sighing?  Recently I was stressed about an important relationship and anxious about how coming together with this person might unfold and I found myself tired and doing a lot of sighing.  

Sighing, scientists say, is sort of like a human release valve for the respiratory system.  It helps to keep the lungs, alveoli and air passages loose and flexible.  Let’s face it when it comes to breathing, we need to be able to catch our breath!  We have to be able to allow oxygen to enter our lungs and feed our brain or else it quickly becomes quite hard to think clearly.  We have to be able to get the CO2 out as well because it is toxic to our system and must be expired. 

Sighing seems to do this more quickly and efficiently for us.  We need to sigh.  We need that oasis, for in the midst of struggles and trial we find ourselves breathing more shallowly and in dire need of air!  Sighing functions to push out what we don’t need so that we can fill up with what we do need.  

St. Paul talks about sighing in his letter to the Romans, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26) Imagine the Holy Spirit doing the sighing for us when we are simply unable to manage it ourselves; providing us with a spiritual relief valve!  A sense of relief comes over us even as we struggle because God is filling us up with nothing less than his holy pneuma/air/spirit/breath.  

What do you think?  I await your reply.

Amy

Well, my young friend, there is so much to appreciate about breath.  Your observations about sighing are accurate… however, have you ever seen a woman in labor who is sighing?  No!  Gasping, panting, or holding the breath, to be sure!  But not sighing.  

I think that sighing is possible only in the more passive spaces between activities.  For example, at the end of highly energized moments, we may sigh.  Or in anticipation of what might seem to be overwhelming tasks, we may sigh.  But…in the throes of activity we don’t sigh.   

Therefore, (as is so often the case) God’s loving spirit intercedes… and sighs.    When we are actively busy and scurrying about, thinking that we are being diligent, are we actually approaching our weakness?  Perhaps we don’t even realize that we are entering the realm of our limitations…. And perhaps the spirit sighs within us because we simply aren’t breathing.  

Something to think about, right?  

Pamela

Boredom and the Spiritual Life

Dear Pamela,

I struggle sometimes with boredom.  In fact, I have always struggled with boredom.  I can remember being a child and saying to my mother over and over again, “I’m so bored.”  She would always answer, “There’s so much to do, I can’t believe you’re bored!”  As if it was a lack of imagination that had consistently landed me in the land of ennui.  She was right, of course, there was always something to do. . . a dog to play with, a guitar to practice, a basketball to shoot hoops with, a brother to talk to, a cat to snuggle with, a friend across the street to climb trees with. . . and yet many days none of it seemed interesting at all.  Nothing could hold my attention for long and it wasn’t a matter of ADD, it was plain and simple a case of dissatisfaction with the present options.  

So needless to say, as I grew up I always filled every waking minute with something to do in order to provide distraction: volleyball in the fall right into basketball in the winter, and track in the springtime.  Summers were enormously tedious as there were only sports one day a week until volleyball started again.  There was babysitting and friends, there was church but that was very boring to me as a teenager!  Rather than sit still I would ride my bike for miles each day or race the neighbor boy around the block that was exactly one mile.  Boredom was something I fought off whenever it creeped into my consciousness.  

My grandparents lived in Florida but when they would come home for a month and stay with us I had the best time.  My grandmother was great at entertaining me, she had such an imagination and was always cooking up something delicious.  My grandfather, who was great at just being, smelled like cherry pipe tobacco and would sit in the garage in his captain’s chair just looking out into the backyard, thinking I suppose, but always quiet and at peace it seemed to me.  Both of them were highly intelligent, creative, musical, and stoic in the way they loved me.  But I knew they did!  I could feel it.  Why were they able to “just be” when I had so much trouble with it?  

Kathleen Norris suggests in her book “Acedia & Me” that the struggle with boredom is one of the most brutal spiritual attacks believers have to deal with.  Perhaps learning to cope with boredom, resting in the Lord, spending time with God rather than trying to fill every second of the day with some amusement is a part of becoming more spiritually mature.  Attention to family, vocation, children and spouse- even when things are getting rather mundane- can be a spiritual discipline that leads to a deeper connection with Christ.  

So, Pamela, my friend, I want you to know that I’ve been working on this boredom thing.  You know me . . . you know how I get, always looking for the next hill to climb, the next challenge to tackle, the next subject to master.  I am trying to just “be.”  Instead of filling every moment, I am trying to settle down and listen, to pray, to say “Kyrie elieson, Christe elieson” and wait for the response.  I have noticed a little bit more contentment returning when I resist the need to busy myself with something, anything to take my mind off of my malaise.  What are your thoughts on this?  Is there any hope for someone like me who struggles with such listlessness?  

Yours truly,

Amy

Dear Amy, 

I know there is hope for anybody who struggles with listlessness or ennui.  Noticing that you are in that state of being is the first step to diffusing the grip it has on how the next moments will unfold.  

Step one: If you notice that you are struggling with boredom, stop struggling.  Instead of making the blatant statement “I am so bored right now,” see if you can shift to “I don’t know what to do right now.”  In other words, stop trying to figure it out and simply say, “I wonder what would happen if. . .”

I think of what I have learned about being in light winds on the sailboat.  When there appears to be no wind, no amount of adjusting the sails or shifting the course of the boat will effectively get me moving.  What works best, believe it or not, is to take my hand off the tiller, hold very gently to the sheets (the lines that manage the sails) and then wait.  Quite often the boat will “weather vane” towards the gentlest movement of the wind all on its own.  

Step two: Once you say, “I don’t know what to do right now” see if you can remind yourself that not knowing what to do is NOT a bad thing.  That unknowingness may actually help you pay more attention to what God is offering.  

Take a look at how you really are:  

Physically: How is your body?  Are you trying to ignore some very basic need or are you substituting your own way of meeting that need for what God might offer instead?  

Emotionally:  Ok… that’s not always easy.  Sometimes we need to just get in a good laugh, or a sincere cry…. Or express anger or fear.  

Mentally:  Are the thoughts clear or muddy?  Do they move along in a linear way or is your mind dancing around with kaleidoscopic facets?  

Spiritually: (For some reason pastors have a rough time with this!  And I think that is one way the “enemy of our best self” flexes power over us)  How are you, child of God, before God right now?  What happens when you hear Jesus say, “What do you want me to do for you?”  Describe your position with respect to God: side by side, in God’s lap, reaching out to God – or perhaps God seems miles away.  

You see, my friend, God always, always has something to offer to us, every single moment.  Furthermore, God knows much, much more about how we are than we do.  That may be why we don’t get “it” – because we think we need something far different from what God knows we need!  God is always offering what God knows will equip us so we will be available and equipped to go out to love God and serve others in amazing ways.  

If you acknowledge that you are clueless about what to do with any given time span, it opens up the opportunity to be more dependent upon God’s guidance.  Whether you feel dull or weary or just plain flat, these are all indications that you aren’t receiving what God is offering!  

After all, God is creative, dynamic and always working to move us closer to love and beauty and wholeness.  God is always inviting us to listen to how God will use “us” – after we have been formed (or transformed), nourished and guided in God’s presence, the Living Word!    

Holding you in prayer. . .

Pamela 

What? I thought you were going separate ways!

It's true -- Amy is NALC and Pamela is ELCA. We are not naive about what that means.

It is true that there is now another dividing line in the Lutheran expression of the church. However, that doesn't mean that conversation needs to stop, especially when it comes to looking at how God is constantly calling us into the unknown, promising to be with us as we respond to that call.

Whenever we are focusing upon the truth that God is always forming and directing us about how to engage in mission, we can engage in appreciative conversation. God loves each of us beyond our ability to understand. Christ lived, died and rose so that the whole world would know Oneness in Christ.

We are committed to conversation about the many and varied ways that God moves in our midst, every single day. We want to be intentional and regular as we look at the pulses and movements of ministry and ask: What is God up to? What does this mean?

Stay tuned for how this plays out as we dialogue back and forth, disciple to disciple, spiritual director to pastor, friend to friend, children of God.